


Coolest Voltron Story Ever Written

by ambeer6



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: According to this fanfic Voltron does not have lungs, Allura hates weed, Hunk and Lance are clearly dating but its not relevant yet, I cannot prove this is also the case in canon but i have my suspisions, I might make it relevant though, Its not relevant to the story but i just wanted you to know, Kaltenecker will get more attention in later chapters, M/M, Shiro has a fetish for back waxing, There is weed in it, This is the coolest fanfic youre gonna find
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-10-19 07:28:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10635144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ambeer6/pseuds/ambeer6
Summary: Shiro commits harsh crimes and goes to jail. Someone has to take his place as the black paladin. Kaltenecker is hiding a secret, but what?





	1. Voltron’s smoking addiction

It was a beautiful day, except they’re in space and not on a planet that turns, so there is not really a sense of day and night, but that’s not important right now. Everyone was eating breakfast, except Lance who was late because of his beauty routine. He stomped into the hall very irritated and everyone looked at him.   
“Shiro, you have to do something about this!” Lance yelled.  
“About what exactly?” asked Shiro.  
“Voltron’s smoking addiction of course!”  
“There is nothing we can do,” Sighed Allura. “it’s always been this way.”  
A moment of silence fell at the breakfast table. Everyone seemed very down. Voltron’s smoking addiction seemed to be getting worse as well.  
“Okay, but,” Said Pidge. “Voltron has a smoking addiction?”   
“Of course Voltron has a smoking addiction!” Lance yelled again. “Did you not notice the giant space weed Voltron was smoking?”  
“No I didn’t?”  
“But your lion was the one holding it!”   
“Actually that was my lion,” Said Keith. “but why are you so worried about Voltron’s smoking addiction? Voltron doesn’t have lungs or anything, so it shouldn’t be a problem.”   
Shiro and Coran nodded in agreement, but the rest did not seem so convinced. Lance had not yet eaten anything, but he looked ready to throw all of his food into Keith’s face.  
“Of course it’s a problem! All the smoke goes into the black lion and Shiro might suffocate!”  
“I don’t mind being suffocated,” Shiro said, because he longed for the sweet release of death.  
“Shiro!” Allura gasped. “Could it be that you’re making Voltron smoke on purpose?”   
Everyone was shocked. Shiro just kinda sat there confused. Immediately Coran came forward and handcuffed Shiro.  
“You’re arrested for attempting to murder the black paladin!” Coran said as he took Shiro away.  
Hunk started crying. He couldn’t believe that someone as nice as Shiro could commit such a harsh crime as attempting to kill the black paladin. Lance patted his back with a disappointed look on his face. They could never have expected Shiro to do such a thing. Meanwhile Keith was nervously looking around, hoping nobody would notice that he helped Shiro by holding the giant space weed.

Shiro followed Coran through the halls of the palace. He had no idea where they were going, but he knew it couldn’t be good. They were making their way through the long hallways when suddenly Coran stopped. Shiro bumped into him and fell. He looked up to see Coran opening the door to a cell. So this is where Shiro would be spending the rest of his days.  
“So this is it, huh?” said Shiro.  
“What do you mean?”  
“This is where I’ll be locked until death.”  
“What the fuck?” questioned Coran.  
“I’m not going to be locked in here for all eternity?”  
“No?”  
“But I made Voltron smoke! I attempted to murder the black paladin!”  
“So? I don’t care.”  
“Then why did you take me here?”  
“Oh that…” Coran smiled and winked. “…I just want you to wax my back every day.”  
“I see,” Shiro saw. “but why must that be done in this creepy cell?”  
“My back hair comes to life after being waxed and we have to lock it up somewhere.”  
Shiro nodded. Of course this was needed. Of course Coran would be grateful to have a chance at not having to wax his own back. Of course Shiro was needed to keep the sentient hair in check.   
“Alright, I’ll help you,” said Shiro. “but first you need to take off these handcuffs.”

Hunk was having a nice relaxing nap while Lance sat in his lap, thinking about how much he loves Hunk. Pidge and Allura were playing with the mice,  but Keith sat awkwardly to the side. He was clearly uncomfortable by the fact he wasn’t arrested as well. After all, Keith was just as guilty of attempting to murder the black paladin as Shiro was. However it seemed nobody but Keith himself has realized this fact so far.  
“I tried to kill Shiro.” whispered Keith.  
“Ok hmm, that’s cool…” Hunk mumbled, still asleep.  
Nobody else reacted to Keith’s confession. They just kept doing what they were doing without paying attention to him. Perhaps they didn’t hear him, Keith thought.  
“I have attempted to murder the black paladin.” Keith said, louder this time.  
“Shut up Keith,” said Lance. “I can’t hear Hunk’s breathing if you talk so loud.”  
“Yeah Keith,” Allura followed. “you are scaring the mice!”  
“Fuck.” Pidge said, for no particular reason, other than that she can.  
“Does nobody here care that I tried to kill Shiro?”  
Everyone just decided to ignore Keith so he felt ignored and left the room. He went to the pool and cried there, because that way he could pretend his tears were just pool water. After a few hours of crying the pool water was salt and Keith considered making a soup with it, but decided that was probably not cool. Then Keith had a thought, because you know what IS cool? Looking for Shiro and apologizing for trying to kill him. And so Keith got out of the pool and dried himself briefly before running to the cells in the castle’s dungeon.

Coran was making his way back from the dungeon to the others when he suddenly saw Keith running towards him.  
“Keith, what brings you here?”  
“I have to apologize to Shiro about something.”  
“Why are your clothes wet?”  
“I wonder about that too sometimes…” Keith said nervously.  
“You went into the pool with your clothes on AGAIN?”  
“Yeah, but please don’t tell anybody, okay?”  
“What are you going to tell Shiro when you see him?”  
“That’s a secret.”  
“I share a lot of secrets with Shiro, so don’t think I will not find out at some point.”  
“Coran, what the fuck does that mean?” Keith inquired.  
Coran didn’t answer, but instead just winked and left. Keith wasn’t really sure what to do with this information, so he just decided to go see Shiro. He arrived in the dungeon and started looking for Shiro’s cell. He searched everywhere, but practically every cell was empty, aside from a few that seemed to contain sentient clumps of hair. Keith searched for what seemed like hours, but decided he would just go back to the pool.

Slowly, Hunk awoke from his nap. He looked around him still sleepy and found that Lance has fallen asleep in his lap and was currently drooling on his shoulder. It was rather uncomfortable, but Hunk didn’t really mind. Allura and Keith were gone from the room, but Pidge was sitting in front of the table, struggling with a small robot that seemed to be trying to get away. Shiro and Coran were still gone, Hunk noted. Kaltenecker wasn’t anywhere in sight either. He didn’t want to wake Lance up, so he decided to just quietly talk with Pidge.  
“Pidge, what are you doing?” Hunk whispered.  
“Holy fuck, Hunk,” Pidge seemed surprised. “I thought you were still asleep!”  
“Ssssht, Lance is sleeping.”  
“Oh, I see. Well what I’m doing…” Pidge looked at the robot somewhat frustrated. “Is programming this guy to take care of Kaltenecker. He should be able to feed, brush and also read Kaltenecker stories about earth.”  
“You’re reprogramming a robot to become a good farmer.”  
“Correct,” Said Pidge. “but clearly this little fuck doesn’t want to learn how to read.”  
“Perhaps the robot would like to cooperate if we give it space weed?”  
Pidge gasped and looked up at Hunk. Her mouth went from small and round to a big grin. Her eyes were twinkling, but in a smug way.  
“Let’s do it.”  
Cool music played as the both of them put on their sunglasses, which are impractical in space, since it’s already dark. Pidge left the room to get some space weed, but Hunk stayed because Lance was still asleep. He thought about Voltron’s smoking addiction and how unusual it was for Shiro to attempt murder. He couldn’t help but feel like something strange was going on. Instead of trying to suffocate, could it be that Shiro was simply addicted to smoking himself?   
“I’m back!” Yelled Pidge as she ran back into the room. She was holding enough space weed to drown the robot in.  
“Welcome back, also you’re waking Lance up, so sshhhhht.”  
“No it’s fine I already woke up a few minutes ago.” Lance said.  
“Oh I see. Is there a reason why you’re still in my lap?”  
“Soft.”  
“That’s reasonable.”  
“Okay, let’s get this farmer high” Pidge interrupted.  
Hunk and Lance helped keeping the robot in place while Pidge rubbed space weed all over it. The robot started becoming high and did no longer struggle, allowing Pidge to reprogram it in peace. Kaltenecker would surely appreciate being read to by the robot. Nothing beats stories about earth.


	2. What does the black lion want?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Voltron goes out for a nice space trip. Allura finds out the secret behind voltron's smoking addiction. Zarkon is there for whatever reason.

Everyone in the castle was having a nice dinner, except Shiro who was still in the dungeons with the sentient hair. They were all happily eating when suddenly Allura realized something.  
“Wait a second!” She exclaimed. “Who will pilot the black lion now that Shiro is banned to hairsitting duty?”  
“Hairsitting duty?” Asked Keith.  
“I meant arrested.”  
“I thought you were going to pilot the black lion now?” Hunk said.  
“Obviously not! I am not going to sit in a stinky space weed lion!”   
“Then how about Coran pilot the black lion?” Suggested Pidge.  
Everyone looked at Coran in expectation. They all wanted him to take Shiro’s place as the black paladin. He looked around the room nervously. Everyone clearly wanted him to do this, but Coran secretly had a metal feline fur allergy. Still, protecting the universe was probably worth sneezing a lot. He swallowed his food and sighed, then put up his thumb and nodded. Everyone cheered.  
“It is decided then!” Said Allura.  
“Hurray for Coran the black paladin!” Cheered Lance.   
Soon everyone was celebrating an congratulating Coran on becoming the black paladin. They brought in the space cake and ate as much as they could until all of them were full.

All of them went to go see the black lion. It was very big and also black. They just had to make sure that it would accept Coran as its new paladin. Coran carefully stepped forward to present himself to the lion and the lion looked at him in return. It lowered its head and immediately seemed to like Coran. Everyone was amazed at how skilled Coran was at becoming a paladin.  
“Congratulations.” Allura said while clapping.  
“Congratulations.” Pidge said while clapping.  
“Congratulations.” Hunk said while clapping.  
“Congratulations.” Keith said while clapping.  
“Congratulations.” Lance said while clapping.  
“Moo.” Kaltenecker said while not clapping.  
“I’m so grateful everyone has supported me,” Said Coran. “I hope I can continue to rely on your support for as long as I’ll be the black paladin.”  
“Who wants to test how well you can make Voltron now?” Asked Allura.   
Everyone raised their hands and they all got ready to board their lions and create Voltron.

Not much later, the lions were flying though space. So far Coran seemed to have no problems piloting the black lion and they all moved smoothly.  
“Wow Coran, you’re great at this!” Said lance.  
“You’re a way better pilot that Shiro when he started out.” Agreed Keith.  
“Thank you guys,” Replied Coran while sneezing. “It’s always been my dream to pilot a lion like this!”  
“Well, you’re absolutely amazing at it!” Hunk laughed.  
“Hey guys, let’s form Voltron!” Pidge demanded excitedly.  
To the surprise of Coran, they actually managed to form Voltron on their second try. Coran was doing an absolutely excellent job as the black paladin. They were moving past a few asteroids when suddenly a big greenish purple clump came into view. They slowly moved closer to the clump until they all realized what it was. It was a giant supply of space weed.   
“Holy shit.” Keith said in amazement.  
“Uh oh,” Said Hunk. “Do you guys think it’s a good idea to let Voltron get any closer to that thing?”  
“Probably not, but I need to touch it.” Said Keith.  
“No Keith! Stop that!” Pidge yelled.  
“Um guys?” Said Lance. “Aren’t we moving strangely fast towards the clump?”  
“It’s the black lion!” Coran panicked. “It’s slipping out of my control! I cannot stop it from moving towards the space weed!”  
“What!?” Everyone yelled.  
Voltron started moving towards the space weed at an alarming speed. They all screamed as Voltron went FAST. It had to go fast. For the space weed. When they almost arrived there was a sudden stop in their movement. Voltron seemed to have regained posture.  
“What happened?” Asked Hunk.  
“It seems that the black lion has stopped it’s attraction to the space weed,” Said Coran.  
“But why?”  
“I think we’re going to find out soon,” Said Pidge. “I can see something moving from there.”  
They all looked in the direction the green lion pointed and gasped. It was Zarkon’s ship. It was huge and purple and moved towards the space weed. They couldn’t get Voltron to move, but it seemed Zarkon ignored them, as the ship started harvesting space weed without acknowledging them.  
“I can’t believe Zarkon is ignoring me!” Keith cried out.  
“Stop being such a crybaby, Keith,” Pidge said.  
“But I want Zarkon to notice me!”  
“Keith, please stop crying, Zarkon would find that totally annoying.” Lance said.  
“Be strong for Zarkon,” Said Hunk.  
“Does Keith have a crush on Zarkon or something?” Asked Coran.  
“No, he’s just very cool and purple,”  Said Keith.  
“Oh, okay,”   
Zarkon had collected a good amount of space weed when his ship suddenly turned away and left. Leaving Voltron next to a significantly smaller clump of space weed. The Paladins decided it was probably better to go back to the castle and report to Allura.

Once they informed Allura about everything that happened, she started walking around the room in deep thought. She started making notes and everyone just went to do their own thing. Keith went to his room to cry about not being noticed and Pidge started designing cool new gadgets with feedback from Coran (“That actually already exists, Pidge.”). Hunk and Lance were relaxing in the hot tub together. Shiro was still on hairsitting duty.  
“I know what’s going on,” Said Allura. “It’s the black lion that is addicted to space weed, not Shiro!”  
Sadly there was nobody in the room to hear this shocking conclusion, besides Kaltenecker, who looked shocked. Shocked mooing could be heard as Allura started explaining the logic behind it.  
“Quick, we have to tell the others!” Allura said.  
“Moo?”  
“I don’t know, let’s go look for them.”

Shiro was singing a nursery rhyme for the hair when the door suddenly opened. Allura and Kaltenecker stepped in. The hair quickly hid behind Shiro.  
“Shiro, good news,” Said Allura. “You have been dismissed from hairsitting duty.”  
“Allura, you scared them,” Shiro replied sadly. “They were just about to go to sleep.”  
“Oh, I’m sorry. I hope they’re not distressed?”  
“Do not worry, Princess. They have calmed down already.”  
The hair snuggled up to Shiro and he gently pet them. They made ominous noises of happiness. Allura kneeled down to pet them, but they hid away shyly. Allura pouted.  
“it’s okay princess, don’t feel bad. They will warm up to you eventually.”  
“I see…” Allura said. “However Shiro, you are free to go now. You no longer have to take care of the hair, since we figured out the truth about the black lion and the space weed.”   
“Huh, is that so? However I cannot leave the hair alone like this, can I?”  
“I understand it might be hard, but Voltron needs you more than the hair does.”  
“You mean Coran isn’t a competent paladin?”  
“No, that’s not what I mean! I just mean-“  
“Enough Allura.” Interrupted Shiro. “Coran can handle being the black paladin on his own. I am not going to take his place.”  
“I understand.” Allura stood up and turned away. “Come on, Kaltenecker.”  
“Moo…” Kaltenecker said, following Allura.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 is almost finished as well, so look forward to that! :^)

**Author's Note:**

> Space weed looks like green-purple-brown dandelions and has similar effects as marijuana. It's completely legal to own and to use on robots. Organisms using space weed is taboo, though a lot do it anyway.


End file.
